A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol