A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
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The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Tremendous stuff
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!