A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
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AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
What
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
…..pretty much.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Come back with a warrant
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard