A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
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Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture