A group of toddlers is called a migraine
You Might Also Like
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that