A group of toddlers is called a migraine

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Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?


son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah


Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.


My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.


I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.


Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room


You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.


Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.