@ImohUmoren
@Blarebare Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
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@Blarebare 
@Browtweaten son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
@AnitaHelmet Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
@Peauxtassium My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
@Cheeseboy22 I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
@kelly__le Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
@AnneHatfieldVO You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
@timdonakowski Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
@chrisanna4real Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
@cookie_mumbles Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!