@ImohUmoren

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

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@Blarebare

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

@Browtweaten

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

@AnitaHelmet

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

@Peauxtassium

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

@Cheeseboy22

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

@kelly__le

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

@AnneHatfieldVO

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

@chrisanna4real

Breakup? I’m sorry no.

You’re not finished being in love with me yet.