A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
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ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”