A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
sliding into dms like
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.