A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
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My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb