A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.


Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.


Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.


Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.


[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?


I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.


[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now


‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.