
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.