@JoleenDoreen

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

@ArfMeasures

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

@VerifiedDrunk

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

@AlexvanBeek

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

@squirrel74wkgn

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

@causticbob

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

@evidentlyblonde

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

@pleatedjeans

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

@jlock17

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.