@5hael I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
@JoleenDoreen A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
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@5hael Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
@s1lenus Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
@Alex_N_Chains Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
@funnyordie The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
@david8hughes [wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
@sbellelauren how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
@wilw I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
@Browtweaten [placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
@YasmeenMS ‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.