No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
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Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?