A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
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The days of good grammer has went
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Friday
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison