A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away