@yaseen_moi Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
@ristolable A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
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@yaseen_moi 
@Jazzzzzmina Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
@mrjohndarby doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
@thatcarlygirl “Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
@Matt_The_1st Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
@FuzzyDuck17 No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
@samalmightysam Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
@KateWouldHaveIt My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
@SteveSuckington I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
@FSUSteve Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.