@ristolable

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

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@Jazzzzzmina

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

@thatcarlygirl

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

@Matt_The_1st

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

@FuzzyDuck17

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

@KateWouldHaveIt

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

@SteveSuckington

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

@FSUSteve

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.