A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

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Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.


“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts


Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there



Cop: sir, your tailamp is out



No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else


My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.