@jakegarv3

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

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@geowizzacist

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

@longwall26

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

@foursquids

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

@scot7a

ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.

@fluffysuse

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

@mjkspeaks

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

@heyjulesfern

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

@AsgardianRose

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

@Clanopath

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.