A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
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When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.