A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

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Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.


*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night


Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now


ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?

BRIDE: I said NO.


Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.


*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience



May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“


“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“


Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all


I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.


I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.