A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
May have had one breakfast too many
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess