A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
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Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
did it work
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.