A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
When ur friends with white people
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO