@MelvinofYork

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

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@GrantTanaka

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

@GrahamKritzer

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

@DanMentos

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

@djdarrellripley

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

@AnkCoupleTO

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

@Theropologist

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

@samalmightysam

-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.

@nevernicethings

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.