A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
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When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
nobody’s gonna understand
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
My horoscope said I should kiss you today