@GrantTanaka I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
@MelvinofYork A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
You Might Also Like
@GrantTanaka 
@GrahamKritzer My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
@DanMentos me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
@mattZillaaaa *yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
@djdarrellripley Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
@envydatropic Check your privilege
@AnkCoupleTO [doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
@Theropologist I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
@samalmightysam -Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
@nevernicethings If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.