A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
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Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.