A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
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fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat