A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
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If you know, you know 😂🚔
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth