A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
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Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.