A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
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i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
2022: I can fix it
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you