@ToxicProbably

A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter

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@jonnysun

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

@UnFitz

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

@TheToddWilliams

[movie casting]

ME: I’m here for the stuntman job

“Do you have any experience?”

ME: No, but I took a…

“Please don’t”

ME: …crash course

@Social_Mime

Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.

@david8hughes

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

@TheAlexP

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

@ArfMeasures

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

@whatmaddness

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

@FinallyHeSleeps

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

@E_lok44

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.