LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
You Might Also Like
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
ME: …crash course
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
This beer told me I could dance.
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.