A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
You Might Also Like
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”