A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
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we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor