@jsam1126

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

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@Rollmaninoz

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

@KimmyMonte

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

@curlycomedy

Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.

@electrolemon

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs

@yoyoha

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

@mjkspeaks

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

@TheAlexNevil

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

@DearAuntAbby

Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us

@man_in_radiator

My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.