A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house