@Rollmaninoz *coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
@jsam1126 A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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@Rollmaninoz 
@KimmyMonte Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
@curlycomedy Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
@electrolemon why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
@yoyoha 8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
@mjkspeaks I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
@TheAlexNevil Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
@DearAuntAbby Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
@SJKSalisbury New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
@man_in_radiator My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.