*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
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Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*
Being an adult is stupid.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.