A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.