A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

You Might Also Like


My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”


Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.


me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun


If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.


Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Now sauce
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese


Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?


I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.

Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.


optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires


Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes