@hello_saylor My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
@ginnyhogan_ A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
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@hello_saylor 
@EliTerry Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
@GoodZiIIa me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
@elijahdaniel this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
@dustinbeavers If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
@Goofpoops Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
@slimmy_shady Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
@kimtopher22 I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
@drankturpentine optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
@msdanifernandez Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes