A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Camping tip: No.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror