A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
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There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
🤣dope
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne