A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
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I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
The asteroid..
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
FINE, I WON’T.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession