A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.