A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

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In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.


Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!


I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.


This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step


My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.


My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward


Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…


Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.


“OK men, spread out.”



“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”


Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.