[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
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A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Unexpected Judgment
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.