A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
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I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
good let them take over I have had enough
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
The point of your 20s
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.