A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
You Might Also Like
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Whoa 😂
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.