A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

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Ways cats are like toddlers:

– They love unrolling toilet paper

– They eat from cat bowls

– They suck at doing my taxes

– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge


Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.


[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
[entire audience starts laughig]
[audience laughs louder]


When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage


If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.


[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please


“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.


To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”


your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids