A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Plant care tips
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”