A gym so fancy they call it a James.
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I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Meanwhile in Canada…
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
ugh not again
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”