A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note…
“Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time.”
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Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?
I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.