A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
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There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.