A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
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asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”