A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
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Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?