A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off