A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Me too
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.