[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
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[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
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4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.