A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
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*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back