A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved