A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
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I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”