A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
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Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
whatcha thinkin bout
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.