A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
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One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.