@hipstermermaid

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

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@Midgetgems26

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

@HotBitHoran

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

@envydatropic

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

@_elvishpresley_

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

@GrantTanaka

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

@PaperWash

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

@truegritrumble

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

@CuddleYourCat

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

@FloodyHippie

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates