A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

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When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.



Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.


“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign


Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart


Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet


So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ


“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie


My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.


If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.


My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates