A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.