A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Every BBC series about the universe.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Childbirth is so beautiful
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.