A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
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[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.