A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
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Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Smooooooth
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Beauty and the Beast
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon