@Jenny4ashley

A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.

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@KalvinMacleod

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

@flashember

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

@NewDadNotes

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@SondraDeeMe

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

@asaltiercorpse

Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.

I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.

@Playing_Dad

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

@Dawn_M_

If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.

@Nicole_Kapp87

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

@Xalqee

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical