A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
You Might Also Like
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors