Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
You Might Also Like
[Swims out to Sea]
*dolphins save me*
*dolphins ask for a tip
*they return me to the shark*
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical